Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A message to my kids on this stupid day

Today was the day your dad died. I'm still angry at him. He coulda been a better dad when he was alive. Instead he lied, cheated, did drugs and drink alcohol. God took him away for a reason. So he can't do any more damage. I'm sorry I don't feel bad but I am sad. He took life for granted.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Scarey insecurities


I hate writing about relationships. It's so annoying.
But I figure maybe if I write it down, it'll clear my head.
I had 100% trust. Til it was ruined by Internet whores. I know, it's not their fault. It's his. Trust was demolished. With my past of cheating already leaving a huge gaping hole in my head, it was stabbed over and over with a garden aerator.
Things were patched up and I do my best everyday not to think about the several girls that continue to poison my mind.
He hasn't done anything make me feel like I should question him except for his recent lack of affection and intimacy and his rise in calling me names. WTF?
So I try really hard, even squeezing my eyes tight to shut these girls out. And they're possibly out of his life for good but what makes me think he's not that slick to create new profiles, new names, unsearchable pages and do this again? I have no idea. I just pray and bite every cuticle off my fingers. (that's my nervous tic)
Thing is. I hope he takes marriage as seriously as I am. Because i don't want anymore surprises ever again.
So. That's it.
I'm not a hot 20yr old but neither is he. I have my physical flaws from being a mom. It's something a young immature guy would be superficial about. But it's something some guys will overlook.
Maybe it's his insecurity. He needs attention. But I've tried talking dirty. And he says yuck, or ew. Or call me lumpy. It's a joke, I know, but in my damaged trust bucket, it makes me think he's comparing me with someone he's talking to.
Who knows. Usually my intuitions are right. Let's hope not.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Babies


Babies are so cute. They smell nice and even when they cry it's so adorable.
It's totally understandable why anyone would want one. Everyone believes that there's a NEED to have one or more.
There's so many people I've encountered that through their second marriage, they need to have a child to complete it. Most of the time, like me, have children from previous marriage. I was young when I had my 3 back-to-back. Being a stay at home mom made it easy but it not only put stress and financial strain on my relationship, I realized that the man I decided to have children with is a shithead. Even when he was trying. He would never be the father or the man I wanted him to be. Most new moms start thinking about their future with husband and wonder even if he's financially secure, if he's EVER good enough. And that would be no. Then realizing your freedom is lost and so is your once perfect body.
The husband will come home and not want to hear the wife complain about the amount of crap she's had to deal with after a long day of his own.
Why?
Why do we do this?
Back in the day, the birth rate was low, and carrying the family name was a big thing. Times are different.
And here I am. People are peppering me with questions of "are you going to give your husband a baby?". Yes, I feel terrible he doesn't have one. But seeing how I can't stand but love the 3 that I already have, the thought of another one is ludicrous!!!!
But he doesn't have one. Thing is, he's always gotten everything he wants. And when he's bored, he's done. Can't do that with a baby! Feedings every few hours, sleepless nights, babysitting/daycare, diapers, dr visits, baby food, clothes, furniture, strollers, diaper bags, bathing, teething, ear infections, diaper rashes, vomiting, diarrhea, potty training, sticky hands, runny noses, high chairs, car seats, temper tantrums, crying, baby food...
I don't want it.
If my marriage depends on it? Sure. I'd do anything for my husband but it'll be something I know I'll have to mentally prepare & dread.
Don't get me wrong. I love them. Every minute of it. But I don't have the time or the money.
My friends who are now in their second marriage or relationship, just gave birth to their fourth, like I would. No offense, they not only look like shit, but telling me how bad of an idea this is.
Mind you, we both work full time, love date nights with drinks, last minute trips, going out with the boys. A baby will put a screeching halt to this. Or just to me. And I know it will flare some nasty fights.
Like my younger sis says, "what's the point or the need? Why do I want to do that to myself? What am I missing out on? Who am I trying to impress?"
But. If my husband really truly wants one, then I'll attempt to save the money and do what I need to to give him one. Even knowing how it will change everything.
I tell him he can change the last names of my kids, shit, he can even have them IF we get divorced! I'll pay him child support and leave! I'll give him full custody AND disappear! Lol
I love my kids, but I can't stand them. They are my everything. And everything is them. And they touch everything. Get into things. I'm tired. I want them to succeed and get out of my nest. Not make more.
I feel bad. He doesn't know the joys of having his own. Only knows the headaches. Does he really want this???

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I Should Really Be A Skinny Bitch

Nothing ruins my appetite more than hearing someone complain right after I spent over an hour cooking. This doesn't include the mad dash to the store, making sure not only do I get the ingredients needed but EVERYTHING else EVERYONE needs.

When I finally get to sit and breathe after EVERYONE in this house of mine is served, including the damn dogs....I want to enjoy my dinner. Complain after. I'm exhausted! It has nothing to do with PMS or whatever you may want to think it is. Everyone gets to sit around, watch TV, relax, play etc while I slave in the kitchen and clean as I go so I can get to the point of enjoying my meal.

But no.

It doesn't happen once. Doesn't happen twice. It fucking happens frequently. Does anyone else offer to help walk the fucking the dogs as they piss on the floor and carpet? NO. Everyone fucking disappears. Its not just the fucking kids' responsibility. Must be fucking nice to constantly yell and point out everyone's wrongs and not lift a damn finger.

So yea. When I'm upset, I don't wanna fucking eat. So as Mr. Mouthy wolfs down his dinner IN BED I wrap up my dinner in plastic wrap in the fucking fridge. No, no apology because he doesn't need to do shit.

Damn mouth is always running and never offers to lift a fucking finger.

I should be a skinny bitch because this ain't nothing new.

Monday, February 22, 2010

He Said, She Said, Then WTF?

OK…word of advice. Most people who don't want things repeated already know this rule of thumb…ALWAYS start your sentence with “Hey, I heard something but don't repeat….”

Whether or not it DOES end up getting repeated, at least you got your back covered and it’s THEIR fault. Right? Makes sense to me…because you can go back and say, “BITCH, wtf?!”

So here goes my story:

I hear something first thing in the morning. I get details. This person was told by me in the past…that if I am told ANYTHING that might just be a rumor, I WILL dig for truth before I start believing and falling for the bullshit. I'm not into drama and spreading rumors. So that's what I did. Never was told NOT to say anything.

Somehow it turned into a cluster-fuck. Yep. I did point the finger in her direction. I fucking heard it from her. I’m not gonna sit here and say, “yea, it was me” because it wasn't. I heard it from her! SO in her dramatic anger, deletes me off Facebook, and goes into her husband’s account to make sure I'm deleted off his. At first I was like wtf? are you 14 and I was pissy. But now, I fucking laugh. She's telling me I threw her & hubby under the bus and I jeopardized his career. Huh?!!!! What bus???? Is he in time out? Sit in a corner? As my husband said in the beginning, don't say anything you don't want repeated. Keep your mouth shut. And so I only spoke of shit everyone else knew. Who knew this was a hush hush topic when I was told?

I hate drama and people who love the drama. People create drama because they feed off it.

I don't have any enemies. Except for her. Kudos for me because I don't need it. She can keep it.

As for me….I’m planning our vaca and looking forward to hearing from my hubby and friends that are NOT ridiculously surrounded in their realm of retardedness. I hold my bitch title high. You can hold your Drama Queen plaque higher. Shine it, buff it. Do what makes you breathe better.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

B( * )( * )BS

Ok. Everyone's favorite topic whether you are flat, gigantus, pancake/flapjacks, light switches, or mosquito bite shaped.

I was originally a perky happy A cup. Growing up, all I did was pray for these puppies to grow into full breeds. My unforgiving Asian background wasn't about to let that happen.

Years later, I ended up pregnant. Multiply that by 3. During the pregnancies, I was a HUGE firm full busting out of C cups. I felt like I had missiles!!! I was so happy. Even if I was literally a walking milk farm. But I also had this monstrous weight gain. When the babies were baked, and breastfed, weight gain lost...I looked and saw in horror were these once A cup perkiness fallen to a squishy -A raisin, sucked out mess. Victorias Secrets were just lies. And even with her so-called secrets, my soggy tits just sunk into these little padded cups that were supposed to give me some umpf. Yea.

I finally saved up some money and went to a cosmetic surgeon. Flipping thru numerous magazines of playboy, I didn't know what I wanted more. Their entire perfect bodies or just tits.

All I can afford were boobs. So. That's what I ordered. I decided...since I was single and paid for them myself, that I just wanted to be proportioned and I didn't want to look like a stripper or a pornstar.

So I got small C's. I was pleased. Until I was awoken from surgery and went to my follow up. Dr said, "you know, you coulda went a Lil bigger." But my guess is they always wanna up your size.

Happy with my new additions, I was so much more confident. And all my other unsightly flaws seemed toned down. I know I'm no playboy model but at least I'm not saggy EVERYWHERE. Well, ok, now just everywhere else.

So now I'm dating. After my horrible marriage ended and then the relationship after that. I thought I sworn off men. I cried my life away after each holiday passed. Then I met my now hubby. I think he thinks I was a retard.

Everyone says "oh your boobs are perfect! They look and feel natural and you don't need to go bigger, you'd look ridiculous!"
Well...now I feel like an idiot because everyone who frowns upon huge fake tits, stares at them. WTF was I thinking? I paid how much for natural?!!!!

So. Here I am with my "natural" tits. Thinking how ridiculous would I REALLY look if I got them bigger? I drive myself nuts but oh well, I now have to tell myself to stop looking at other women's fake tits and comparing them to myself.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Deployment

Well…what can I say? Cant say I didn't expect it to happen. Just didn't expect it to happen.

Haiti gets hit with the worst earthquake ever and pretty much destroys Port-Au-Prince. People from many countries, races, color, age are scrambling to help. This country, which has already suffered bloodshed and poverty on a daily basis, now faces this horrific disaster Mother Nature has inflicted within seconds. Haitian death tolls are estimated in the 200 thousands, with the lack of medicines and collapsed hospitals, they are facing infections and diseases.

I am so proud that Justin has been called out by the U.S. Coast Guard to help these people. I just didn't realize it would hurt that much to say goodbye. He’s going to a country that isn't bullet & bomb riddled like Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. Still I worry and I pray. Even now, as I write this blog, I hold back tears.

As I helped him get his gear ready and pack up the truck, it still seemed surreal. Then the goodbye hug came along with the kisses and I lost control. There are days when I honestly loathe him. Especially when he got a unsuspecting text message as we had our breakfast at Starbucks.  I cried and held back anger at the same time, my emotions were overwhelming. I watched him & his buddy drive off and I sat in my car. I broke down in uncontrollable tears.

Off to work I go with swollen, red eyes and a leaky nose. I sat silently. And replayed the morning over in my head. When the kids knocked on the door to say goodbye before they ran off for the bus. Even the dog knew. At the end of the work day, like usual, I cant wait to get the hell outta there. Then it dawned on me. He wont be coming home. I parked the car in the driveway. Ate dinner with the kids. I entered my room and I can still smell him. I look at the unmade bed when we ran out the h0use. I miss him already and it hasn't been even a day yet. How am I going to survive 6 months? How the hell do these military wives do it?!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My Wannabe Resolution Thing

 

This year, as many people do, I want to stick to a healthier diet. And this includes my already fitness plan at http://ncognitofitness.com. I’m now trying to get the kids to be more active (like most moms already do) and get them to eat properly too. First thing we’re doing is no more junk food of any type unless its got beneficial ingredients.

Yes, I'm sure they're hating mom right about now. I also got them all on organic vitamins and fish oil. I originally had them taking the oil in liquid form. Now I'm being nicer and got them the capsules they can bite. It was quite messy and gross. I was doing it with them for good faith. Yea…I gave up a month before I bought them the capsules. HAHA!

So instead of ice cream, I got yogurt. Pretzels and baked chips, fruits and more veggies, which they like anyway. The biggest adjustments are the  fast food, soda and fried crap. We kind of steered away from that anyway.

Justin and I are now more regimented. He’s losing weight faster than I am but he also started Muay Thai class on top of our gym thing. Cheater. I had my son join Muay Thai classes also and now I catch him watching UFC fights….My dear baby boy….Justin has it in his crazy head that now he wants to go to Thailand and train for a month or something like that and take a leave of absence from work. Yea. Please voice your opinions on that. One daughter is back on Rec soccer after a failed attempt at school tryouts-heard they were tough. Other daughter wants to do dance but hasnt specified on what. Lets hope it doesn't involve a pole.

So, yea, back on my wannabe health nut routine…trying to count calories. The more I try the more I eat. When I don't try I do great. So I should just say Fu*k it! Its discouraging when the week before my period I'm bloated like those spongy animals that grow from a pill capsule. So for a quick moment I wish my period would come so I can deflate but then I remember how much  hate being a woman. Why can’t we be like men and just scratch our crotches….but if scratched it means something else is brewing. Ew.

So yea…trying to drink more water too. This whole 8 glasses a day. Which reminds me…haven't had a sip and its 9pm. Dammit. Well I'm gonna go drink at least 4 and go run and hopefully drink more. Try. I’m walking into health stores just a little bit less intimidated now. Usually I’m just flat out lost. The internet comes in so handy. So as of now, I’m either going to have promising future blogs about this wonderful fitness thing or this might be the beginning and the end of it all. Stay tuned…