Rotund Turkey

Well, this 2012 Thanksgiving we decided to drive up to the Carolina mountains. My mother in law has become a prepper/survivalist. They've built their house to be so self efficient, even their poop waste gets composted. The last time we were there, the small, one bedroom house wasn't ready. This time, not only were they pretty settled in, they have goats for milk, rabbits for breeding AND eating, ducks, beehives, and the cutest Austrailian shepherds ever! 

Her garden/land has been so fruitful, she's been kept super busy canning and dehydrating everything. Meanwhile, the five of us, stayed in the grandparents old 3 bedroom house down below. So everyday, we'd trek up and down the mountain. Which wasn't so bad, if it weren't so cold and the huge amounts of leaves that made it slippery and also his the fallen trees, stumps, rocks. Especially in the dark. Don't wear running sneakers either, they don't help.
Thanksgiving morning, I wasn't expecting a traditional thanksgiving meal. My mother in law always told me she never cooked. And explained that was why her kitchen was so spotless.
Well much to my surprise, there sat a beautiful roasted turkey, the green bean casserole, stuffing, cranberries etc.
Apparently she's been cooking! 

Staying up there the last 3-4 days was so nice. It was living minimally. I'll call it no frills living. Because by the 2nd or 3rd day, you really didn't care if your hair was brushed because no one saw you nor cared.

We visited another small town close by called Forest City. We thought it was a tree lighting. It was a Xmas lighting of their downtown area. These people were really nice. But huge. Huge as in, extremely large. Like, I can't believe they have clothing that big huge. Which reminds me. We stopped by their local Walmart, 30min drive from where we were. It is already an incredible place to people watch down in Florida. But man oh man....I spied a guy that was built like that main character of the storybook "Where The Wild Things Are". His hair was long and shaggy, he was tall, large and sloppy looking as can be. He had a mom too. I felt like a supermodel! But in all honesty, any place that's not a big city, an Asian chick like me is always sure to stick out like a sore thumb. Sometimes I feel like a circus freak. People like my white husband will never get it. He can be thrown into anyplace in the US and never feel awkward. Put me in a mountain, or in small Florida city. Very uncomfortable. But when I spot a Chinese restaurant I feel better. Until I see that they are FOBs. Then I'm ashamed.

After the long silent drive home due to a stupid argument. We made it home. There's nothing like being home. Taking a long hot shower with wondrous water pressure. I scrubbed my hair with a grin and washed my privates like I was a 1 year old in an old diaper.  
What I wanted most? To literally dive into my bed and melt into my mattress as my cozy blankets and pillows envelope me in my fabric softener scent.
How spoiled are we? In North Carolina, the beds we slept on felt like cardboard and being used to a king sized bed, their little full sized bed felt like I was sleeping in a matchbox.
Now, I look around as I settle back in civilization, I want to change how I live. We truly are spoiled and wasteful. So I ordered a rainwater barrel, bought that countertop Composter I've been eyeballing for a month. Shutting off lights more often, making sure things end up in the recycle bin, be wary of packaging and reuse.
Unfortunately, the way I make a living contradicts what I want and believe in. I'm a nail technician. So much water used for manicures, pedicures, electricity used for esthetics, the paper/plastic wrappers for sterilizing, the countless empty water bottles that go into the trash. The chemicals.

Ugh. 

So this year, I'm thankful for realizing how wasteful not efficient I am.

I'm deformed

I've been thinking about this for so long. Body types. There's the skinny, the athletic, the bodybuilder, the chunky, and the squishy.
Most people's first impression of me is, "Wow! You're thin and so fit!" But what I see is I'm chunky and I can lose a few more. Granted, we are all extremely critical of ourselves. We are our own worst critics. That is why we have so many men and women who fight insecurities via relationships & Facebook!
I'm here and I'm confessing to my own nastiness here. I may be at the weight I'm supposed to be according to my age and height (according to BMI). But I'm quite squishy. Squishy to me, means, poke my butt, it's squishy. Poke my belly, it's squishy. Get it?
Anyway, I'm not fat. But I certainly don't think I'm skinny. I've had 3 children. Can't say I was health conscious back then. I ate like a fat cow and I looked like one. Not exaggerating one bit. You know, when you're only a few months along and everyone thinks you're having twins and towards the end of my pregnancy, I actually outgrew my maternity clothes. Meaning it was stretched beyond belief and ready to bust at the seams. Yes. For all 3 kids. And the doctor told me I needed to be on a diet. When I was pregnant. So you get the idea and an image now, correct? If not, think of that woman in that Gilbert Grape film confined to her couch.
Well after birthing these demons....how can I put this? Ever blow up a balloon and deflate it? Well that's me. Except with some air left in it. I inherited these ugly stretch marks everywhere. Especially in my tummy area. We're not talking about lightning bolt looking discolorations. I'm talking about the rivers. The ones with indentations where Helen Keller can run her hands across my abdomen and gasp!
So, I've been working out and changing what I'm eating the past 4 years. It definitely was NOT easy. Still isn't. But I'm learning still. I've lost some weight and I've gained it back. But I also found endurance, strength and muscle tone I have never had in my life. I started running 5ks that lead to some insane obstacle races. I'm turning 38 next month. I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself.
But going back to my belly. And the deflated balloon. I'm so uncomfortable with myself that I can't even go to a beach where I might bump into anyone I know. I even reached a point that if I DO know someone who will see me in a bikini, I give them full detailed warning about how ugly my body is. I will not wear a tankini or a one piece. They're ugly! Although I've been checking out the pinup style swimsuits. I'm afraid they'll make my squishy ass look rather large so that kinda halted that search. Plus, they're expensive! Anywho, I have this extra skin. If I lay on my side, I get that belly spillage. Or if my jeans sit below my belly, it hangs over unless I suck in or pull my pants over my belly with the belt hoops. If I'm on the toilet, I pretend I'm plastic man. Or is it Elastic man? Either one, I pull on my belly, grab it, pretend it's playdoh. The more weight I lose the more extra stretch marked skin hangs. If I gain weight, it's not so bad but then I get the muffin top. If I'm nude and place both hands on my sides and use my fingertips to pull the skin, I have the perfect belly.
Tummy tuck you say? Even a mini tuck? I went to a cosmetic surgeon. They said I'm not in horrible shape. That clients that they usually get are more overweight. They said because I'm not that big, there's not a lot of skin to pull and cut to do a tummy tuck to make a difference. If anything, I'll end up with a worse scar going across instead of up & down marks.
That being said, and the breakdown of costs after those consultations made me sad. Even if I went for it, the amount of money for it to not guarantee to take even most the marks away was not worth the pain and healing process. That means no working out either.
My only means to solve this issue is to lose body fat and build up muscle. Because if you see muscle, and a truly fit body, you can overlook those marks right???
Most people who are trying to make me feel better about it, tell me those are marks I've earned from creating my children. Or however they try to put it to make it sound so poetic. It doesn't work. I see women like Brooke Burke on the cover of Fitness magazines and I want to hate them! I'm so jealous! I've also heard that stretch marks are genetic or something like that. Whatever. I'm pissed. And I ate a huge sugar free brownie from whole foods today. That's not going to help me decrease body fat but it made me happy.
I used to live with the philosophy that I should just be happy. I should eat and drink and smoke and live vicariously. Then I see old people that are suffering with things they've could've prevented. And then. I started working out. And then I saw 80 year olds running faster than me. And then I see 60 year olds who can do what I do at the gym. And then I realize....I want to be happy with myself.
And it's hard. When I see even my husband gawk at gorgeous naked or half naked women. Maybe they were photoshopped but still. I don't think photoshop can save me.
So what's better?
I see so many chubby girls wearing things maybe a 4 year old should and walk around confidently.
How did they get to be like that?
Some heavier women commented that they'd be happy to be my size even with stretch marks.
And I'd be happy even if I was slightly porky and no stretch marks.
They can still wear bikinis and not have to cover their stomach area with their arms or towels.