Monday, November 9, 2015

goodbye, farewell.....

Sometimes I'm still angry. But nowadays I feel its dwindling down. Like it just lost its intensity. After all these many years, I realize that things weren't ever meant to be. I'm at a point where I'm actually on the outside, looking in. We were young, careless, experimental, rebellious. And in this careless mess, we created a child. Which led us to believe that the right thing to do was get married and start growing up immediately. It was right in the midst of our drinking stupor and drug experimenting. Abruptly halting....completely. To be instant mommy & daddy & play house. We were young.
Too young, too soon, too fast. I don't think we even knew each other. We had nothing in common. Our tastes in music, friends, styles, everything was wrong. Yet, we forced ourselves to believe this was what we were supposed to do. So we brought in more kids. Now a mother of 3. Back to back. Not what I wanted at all. I love my kids. But I didn't plan on them like this.
Years of trying to pretend we were happy. Only made us resent and hate each other more. It was a jail sentence. He reacted violently. I think it was the only way he knew how to cope. Still no excuse. I'm sure as hell not an angel either.
It all ended in betrayal and deceit. All at the wrong time. How appropriate when it all started wrong.
Looking back now, I'm not angry anymore. We weren't meant to be. He found someone like minded. And I eventually found my true mate. If only we knew how to end it without exploding. But we were too young to even know how.
It took over 10 years. For me to say, this, that we were great friends, we were horrible spouses. Things went downhill badly. And I couldn't let go of the hurt. Until this day, that betrayal still burns. But I can accept it now. I understand now.
We didn't love each other. I don't think we even liked each other. Can't say we didn't try.
Every game of house ends when the sun goes down and it's time to go home.
You were a good friend James E. Serrano, rest in peace...our babies will forever be safe with me.