I hate writing about relationships. It's so annoying.
But I figure maybe if I write it down, it'll clear my head.
I had 100% trust. Til it was ruined by Internet whores. I know, it's not their fault. It's his. Trust was demolished. With my past of cheating already leaving a huge gaping hole in my head, it was stabbed over and over with a garden aerator.
Things were patched up and I do my best everyday not to think about the several girls that continue to poison my mind.
He hasn't done anything make me feel like I should question him except for his recent lack of affection and intimacy and his rise in calling me names. WTF?
So I try really hard, even squeezing my eyes tight to shut these girls out. And they're possibly out of his life for good but what makes me think he's not that slick to create new profiles, new names, unsearchable pages and do this again? I have no idea. I just pray and bite every cuticle off my fingers. (that's my nervous tic)
Thing is. I hope he takes marriage as seriously as I am. Because i don't want anymore surprises ever again.
So. That's it.
I'm not a hot 20yr old but neither is he. I have my physical flaws from being a mom. It's something a young immature guy would be superficial about. But it's something some guys will overlook.
Maybe it's his insecurity. He needs attention. But I've tried talking dirty. And he says yuck, or ew. Or call me lumpy. It's a joke, I know, but in my damaged trust bucket, it makes me think he's comparing me with someone he's talking to.
Who knows. Usually my intuitions are right. Let's hope not.
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