Is it horrible of me to not give a flying poo that this month is not only my bday, but the anniversary of the death of my asshole late husband? I'll call it a deathiversary.
He was a jackass loser when he was alive and I was young, dumb and naive when I got pregnant and married his nasty ass. There are times it makes me sad but moments later, I remember what a true shitbag he was. Wasn't even a good father or a provider. Seriously. Not even a good fuck. WTF was I doing?!!! Oh yea, trying to prove to eveyone that he WASNT a scumbag. I wasted years.
Now I try to tell every young girl I meet, "go live your life and don't get caught up in a fairytale that'll never happen". Maybe I'm wrong because I'm bitter.
I hid my bday on facebook and every other site where it might publicly list my dreaded 35th. I was hoping to be married at least. By now. That eventhough the goals I planned when I was younger fucked up, that I would still manage to keep a man/companion that would want the same commitment. I'm attractive and although I have my 3 kids, I hear stories of women being swept off their feet with 3-4kids of their own and the guy doesn't want more and is ok with it.
But who am I kidding? No one is old fashioned like me anymore. I believe in love, marriage, monogamy. I believe in working and sorting out hard times. I feel those are what makes relationships special. I'm starting to feel that era has faded. And I'm looking for the impossible.
I'm going to be 35. And my hopes of seeing my long term bf on one knee is blurry. It hurts.
All I want, is live my life. Raise my kids so they won't be dependent on me. And I will be able to travel and roam the world like I planned. But. I destroyed every possible door. I admit my wrong choices. I do have 3 wonderfully pain in the ass kids that has helped me through a lot of obstacles and they don't know that yet. In time. So....in a few weeks. I'm 35. And nothing in my life is where I want it.
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...not so...and it is not old fashioned because it is not a 'fashion'...to believe in those things is to be the best one can be and to offer the best, for without them, one is a stranger to love, knowing only how to fuck, one is a stranger to a real relationship and trust, knowing only how to take and in the end, after all the 'thrills' fade will only be left with loneliness and a hungry heart which has only been fed on mistakes...
ReplyDeleteUnless you're rich, born into money or married to someone really rich...you're never where you want to be. Even then "you" (generically)just want more even though they may have a lot. Now, don't get your nipples in a not. I am not saying you have a lot, but in general people aren't happy with what they got (instead they should be focussing on what they have, like health) and that's why the drug companies and all their antidepressants rake in tonnes of money while slowly killing people who are never satisified and can't deal with it.
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