Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Turning 40

It's going to be my 40th. It's been awhile since I wrote. I honestly miss it. But finding the time and the mental will is truly trying.
My goal for my 40th was not to be pathetic like I was for my 30th. At that time, 10 years ago, gosh, time flew....I was recently widowed. I celebrated my birthday by going to work and wearing all black to mourn my 20's. I had 3 very young children. I had given up my career and decided to do something a friend told me made good money, flexible and easy. I went to nail school. And shortly after, found a job. Mind you, I barely knew how to put makeup on, do my hair and def couldn't paint nails so this was an interesting direction to move towards in my life. It didn't help that everyone spoke Vietnamese and after 10 years, the only words I understand is em, pho and banh mi.
So here I am. 10 years later. I look back and I wish I can redo my 20's because it was a complete disaster. 3 kids by age 26, a cheating husband that died from his own destruction and his family who vowed to be there, did nothing but cause more trouble, problems and heartache.
My kids are now 19, 17 and 14. And I can't be more proud of my independent beautiful, smart children. I've remarried and soon celebrating our 5 year anniversary.
I gave up on a career change because I realize, I do love what I do. I meet people, with my gift of gab, I have lots of fun! It's flexible and my faithful clients take really good care of me.
I ended up focusing on me. I turned towards fitness. I was once a cigarette smoking girl who loathed living because of my own life decisions. I learned that it was up to myself to be happy. Not my spouse, not my career, not my kids, not money.
I used most of my energy running. Because I wanted to try it. I wasn't great, I wasn't fast and I certainly didn't love it. But I ran. I ran about 6 miles every night. I turned to fitness. And at one point, I wanted to do it full time. Then I started to hate it. I didn't want to be involved in the politics and in that circle of fitness gurus I was surrounded by. I suddenly felt like I had to prove myself to everyone and soon it wasn't fun anymore. I do miss being a trainer for a short period but I don't miss waking up super early.
From all that running, we got into 5k's. My husband, who hated it more than me, runs faster and better with beautiful stride. We then found obstacle races, mud runs, zombie runs, we did them all. Then we got bored. He found crossfit and left me behind and I resented him and crossfit. When we once did everything together, he would leave me out. I felt left out and I got angry. I resented him, and his gym. And he continued to leave me out of parties, and gatherings. Soon I found myself doing crossfit and loving it. Especially after a painful knee dislocation, I was advised not to run. I found my own gym and a slew of new friends! I still wanted to be a part of my husbands life and started to get depressed. When things didn't turn for the better I realize. Again. I need to find happiness. Not in him, my kids, my job.
So I did. I did things that made me happy. I eat at my favorite restaurants, I go to beach, I workout, and learning to do it alone again and loving the time I spend with the most awesome person ever, me.
So here I am. And my last positive goal I set was to be in the best shape I've ever been. I spent years trying to lose weight. I'd lose it and gain it back. It's been so frustrating. But I stopped and thought for a moment. Holy crap, I AM, in the best shape I've ever been! According to the scale, I didn't lose weight but my body has definitely transformed. I was giving myself such a hard time because my deadline was quickly approaching! I may not have the rock hard solid abs I wanted but I have abs. I have quads, I have traps, shit, I look damn good for 40!!!!
So my goal now? Look even more amazing at 50. And still rock my life with this badass contagious smile.

I grew up always not fitting in. I was neither girly or tomboyish enough. I wasn't Asian enough or white enough. I was never super smart but I wasn't dumb. I'm not ugly and I sure as hell not hot. I'm not dainty but I'm not rough.
I lived my life never fitting in. And never fitting in, is what I do best.


At forty,
My husband started a new job
My oldest started college and left for Orlando
She turns 19
My middle daughter, 17, is a senior in high school and just got her drivers license
My only son is 14, and started high school
We own a house, 3 cars, 2 dogs
We're not rich, we're not poor.
We are all healthy.
What a year this has been....
I can't wait to see where my life takes me next!

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