Deployment

Well…what can I say? Cant say I didn't expect it to happen. Just didn't expect it to happen.

Haiti gets hit with the worst earthquake ever and pretty much destroys Port-Au-Prince. People from many countries, races, color, age are scrambling to help. This country, which has already suffered bloodshed and poverty on a daily basis, now faces this horrific disaster Mother Nature has inflicted within seconds. Haitian death tolls are estimated in the 200 thousands, with the lack of medicines and collapsed hospitals, they are facing infections and diseases.

I am so proud that Justin has been called out by the U.S. Coast Guard to help these people. I just didn't realize it would hurt that much to say goodbye. He’s going to a country that isn't bullet & bomb riddled like Iraq, Afghanistan, or Kuwait. Still I worry and I pray. Even now, as I write this blog, I hold back tears.

As I helped him get his gear ready and pack up the truck, it still seemed surreal. Then the goodbye hug came along with the kisses and I lost control. There are days when I honestly loathe him. Especially when he got a unsuspecting text message as we had our breakfast at Starbucks.  I cried and held back anger at the same time, my emotions were overwhelming. I watched him & his buddy drive off and I sat in my car. I broke down in uncontrollable tears.

Off to work I go with swollen, red eyes and a leaky nose. I sat silently. And replayed the morning over in my head. When the kids knocked on the door to say goodbye before they ran off for the bus. Even the dog knew. At the end of the work day, like usual, I cant wait to get the hell outta there. Then it dawned on me. He wont be coming home. I parked the car in the driveway. Ate dinner with the kids. I entered my room and I can still smell him. I look at the unmade bed when we ran out the h0use. I miss him already and it hasn't been even a day yet. How am I going to survive 6 months? How the hell do these military wives do it?!

My Wannabe Resolution Thing

 

This year, as many people do, I want to stick to a healthier diet. And this includes my already fitness plan at http://ncognitofitness.com. I’m now trying to get the kids to be more active (like most moms already do) and get them to eat properly too. First thing we’re doing is no more junk food of any type unless its got beneficial ingredients.

Yes, I'm sure they're hating mom right about now. I also got them all on organic vitamins and fish oil. I originally had them taking the oil in liquid form. Now I'm being nicer and got them the capsules they can bite. It was quite messy and gross. I was doing it with them for good faith. Yea…I gave up a month before I bought them the capsules. HAHA!

So instead of ice cream, I got yogurt. Pretzels and baked chips, fruits and more veggies, which they like anyway. The biggest adjustments are the  fast food, soda and fried crap. We kind of steered away from that anyway.

Justin and I are now more regimented. He’s losing weight faster than I am but he also started Muay Thai class on top of our gym thing. Cheater. I had my son join Muay Thai classes also and now I catch him watching UFC fights….My dear baby boy….Justin has it in his crazy head that now he wants to go to Thailand and train for a month or something like that and take a leave of absence from work. Yea. Please voice your opinions on that. One daughter is back on Rec soccer after a failed attempt at school tryouts-heard they were tough. Other daughter wants to do dance but hasnt specified on what. Lets hope it doesn't involve a pole.

So, yea, back on my wannabe health nut routine…trying to count calories. The more I try the more I eat. When I don't try I do great. So I should just say Fu*k it! Its discouraging when the week before my period I'm bloated like those spongy animals that grow from a pill capsule. So for a quick moment I wish my period would come so I can deflate but then I remember how much  hate being a woman. Why can’t we be like men and just scratch our crotches….but if scratched it means something else is brewing. Ew.

So yea…trying to drink more water too. This whole 8 glasses a day. Which reminds me…haven't had a sip and its 9pm. Dammit. Well I'm gonna go drink at least 4 and go run and hopefully drink more. Try. I’m walking into health stores just a little bit less intimidated now. Usually I’m just flat out lost. The internet comes in so handy. So as of now, I’m either going to have promising future blogs about this wonderful fitness thing or this might be the beginning and the end of it all. Stay tuned…

Dating, marriage & poop

Dating, marriage, the deal

I guess I've dated my bf the longest ever. Being married miserably for over 7 years doesn't count. My previous married because I got pregnant and thought it was the right thing to do. Yea....it sooo wasn't!
Now that the impossibility of me getting hitched has actually become a possibility and came true, I eat my dramatic self pity in raw uncooked rough form. And yes, I'm thrilled! I was never one to believe in divorce or separation. Luckily I was quickly freed from that hell the first time. I seriously cannot handle infidelity.

People started asking how I didn't have a big wedding, not even a party, and if being married feels different. I, personally don't think things should change. After being with Justin for almost 5 years, I'm hoping things are going to go as smoothly as it has been the last few months. I'm sure it's strange in the beginning for him to refer to me as his wife as it was calling him my husband. It's awesome actually!
I don't see spending thousands of dollars on a grand wedding when people show just to compliment your dress and the decor as they drink the RSVP'd main courses and elaborately priced cake, washing it down with the open bar. A lot of girls relish in the spotlight, whereas Justin & I both agree we like it toned down. Courthouse style. That's A-ok! We will eventually spend a few bucks on "wedding pics".

Marriage. People say people or couples or things change. You see, Justin & I have already went ahead and did the live together thing. I don't see why things should change. He still comes home every night, has his same routine, same job, same everything as do I. Getting married to me, meant a lot. It's not just a piece of paper. It's the vows. As much as we might sometimes hate eachother enough to want to suffocate in sleep with a nice fluffy pillow. We both know only we can tolerate eachother's faults and habits. I love the asshole. And he loves his bitch. Yep. I'm no innocent angel.

Things are the way the should be. Aggravating, stressful, highly sexual, hateful, selfish, smelly at times but all with love.

Ignorance Is Bliss

One thousandth reason I really feel out of place in Florida. Country Music. I don't know what it is about people down here. I just don't belong and I don't fit in. I'm not racist but I honestly stereotype. Everyone does. Just the like same people who sit at my desk and say, "Wow, you don't even have an accent!", WTF?! The people here are really....let's find some stereotypical terms...rednecky. Doesn't even matter if you have money. I listen to their stories and hobbies and weekend excursions. And I'm not saying its just one race, it's all skin colors!!!! I'm stunned.

Even when I'm rarely invited out, usually because these people associate with my BF so I have to go. I feel like the token asian. I can take jokes and abuse. The name calling I get is hysterical. Hey, gotta be able to take a joke. But seriously, people forget how truly and unbelievably rude and ignorant they are before they ask or make a statement.

OMG I speak perfect english and I cook a Thanksgiving dinner like Martha Stewart, my meatloaf kicks ass, I so totally suck in math and still use my fingers to count, I order chinese food in english, I grew up in the 80's in Brooklyn. No my exes were not all asian and my mother doesn't give a shit. My mom wears the pants in the family and they have a regular house with all the furnishings everyone else has including a flat screen TV and a microfiber couch! My parents favorite car was a caddy not a honda and they don't bow when you meet them.

It's ridiculous. I usually have to hold in my sarcastic shit because these are my customers. Inside, I'm screaming, "You dumb bitch! WTF? Do I ask if you grew up in a damn trailer and if you eat everything with ketchup? Do you only have a pick up and is beer your favorite beverage of choice?! Do you all walk barefoot and have BBQ for every possible occasion?!"

Makes me miss the city. NYC, I miss you.

People who can't spell or write

Ok, let me start off by admitting that I am absolutely not the smartest girl, or Asian(math). I will be the first to tell you that I am just average. I never excelled in spelling bees or entered contests for journals or poems. See, just average.

I CAN get quite nerdy at times. I guess I'm more anal or OCDish. But. One of my biggest pet peeves???? People, mainly men, who can't spell or write a proper CORRECT sentence. I mean, it can be the simpliest reply or statement and it's f-n wrong. I don't think you need to be a genius. I'm just curious. Don't you read what you write?! Do you see that what you JUST typed makes no F-N sense?!!! For instance, the word you JUST wrote....can you even pronounce it?!

It's so annoying. It totally angers me! Arg!!! I won't reply or answer or comment to many people because of this. It's one thing if you abbreviate and I can't even give them that excuse!

I remember being on a singles dating site. Yes, we've all done it. And I recall not replying to 90% of them. Mainly because of grammar & spelling, which is terrible. And of course "hi you're hot" simply won't make me feel the sudden urge to hook up and set up a date.

Soooo...for the few of you that I remain friends with....read what you send me. It might be why I don't respond.

I feel like a bitch but damn that's annoying!!!!

Clique cliches

I hate that I never fit in a group. It can either be my gym, work, other moms, ANY social circle. I'm never ever ever part of clique.

It's been like this since grade school, high school, college. I have always been the odd one out. I don't know why or what it is. I don't fit in anywhere. Some people think I'm odd because I DO speak my mind, and I DONT give a shit what people think. I don't try to conform.

I guess maybe I should because I find myself with sooooo many friends but I'm never invited anywhere. I'm in group pictures only because I'm with friends of my bf or I just happen to be there. And even then, I feel like I don't belong. Living in Florida, I find it even harder to find really good friends.

It sucks. Always feeling alone. But there are times I absolutely love it. I hate drama, I hate gossip, I hate hearing about dumb complaints. I don't mind being a listener, but if you're bitching that you're broke and you just went on a shopping spree, shut up. If you think you're fat and refuse to change your eating habits shut up. It's crap I hate listening to. My refusal to listen to crap might be why I have no friends.

Plus, my life is surrounded by my 3 kids, 2 dogs and my bf. Everyone is either my age and now just starting a family or have kids my age but much older. The ones I can go party with, are all younger.

I just never fit anywhere. I'm me. But I love me. So everyone else can kiss my ass. :D

Deathiversary

Is it horrible of me to not give a flying poo that this month is not only my bday, but the anniversary of the death of my asshole late husband? I'll call it a deathiversary.
He was a jackass loser when he was alive and I was young, dumb and naive when I got pregnant and married his nasty ass. There are times it makes me sad but moments later, I remember what a true shitbag he was. Wasn't even a good father or a provider. Seriously. Not even a good fuck. WTF was I doing?!!! Oh yea, trying to prove to eveyone that he WASNT a scumbag. I wasted years.
Now I try to tell every young girl I meet, "go live your life and don't get caught up in a fairytale that'll never happen". Maybe I'm wrong because I'm bitter.

I hid my bday on facebook and every other site where it might publicly list my dreaded 35th. I was hoping to be married at least. By now. That eventhough the goals I planned when I was younger fucked up, that I would still manage to keep a man/companion that would want the same commitment. I'm attractive and although I have my 3 kids, I hear stories of women being swept off their feet with 3-4kids of their own and the guy doesn't want more and is ok with it.
But who am I kidding? No one is old fashioned like me anymore. I believe in love, marriage, monogamy. I believe in working and sorting out hard times. I feel those are what makes relationships special. I'm starting to feel that era has faded. And I'm looking for the impossible.
I'm going to be 35. And my hopes of seeing my long term bf on one knee is blurry. It hurts.
All I want, is live my life. Raise my kids so they won't be dependent on me. And I will be able to travel and roam the world like I planned. But. I destroyed every possible door. I admit my wrong choices. I do have 3 wonderfully pain in the ass kids that has helped me through a lot of obstacles and they don't know that yet. In time. So....in a few weeks. I'm 35. And nothing in my life is where I want it.