I'm deformed

I've been thinking about this for so long. Body types. There's the skinny, the athletic, the bodybuilder, the chunky, and the squishy.
Most people's first impression of me is, "Wow! You're thin and so fit!" But what I see is I'm chunky and I can lose a few more. Granted, we are all extremely critical of ourselves. We are our own worst critics. That is why we have so many men and women who fight insecurities via relationships & Facebook!
I'm here and I'm confessing to my own nastiness here. I may be at the weight I'm supposed to be according to my age and height (according to BMI). But I'm quite squishy. Squishy to me, means, poke my butt, it's squishy. Poke my belly, it's squishy. Get it?
Anyway, I'm not fat. But I certainly don't think I'm skinny. I've had 3 children. Can't say I was health conscious back then. I ate like a fat cow and I looked like one. Not exaggerating one bit. You know, when you're only a few months along and everyone thinks you're having twins and towards the end of my pregnancy, I actually outgrew my maternity clothes. Meaning it was stretched beyond belief and ready to bust at the seams. Yes. For all 3 kids. And the doctor told me I needed to be on a diet. When I was pregnant. So you get the idea and an image now, correct? If not, think of that woman in that Gilbert Grape film confined to her couch.
Well after birthing these demons....how can I put this? Ever blow up a balloon and deflate it? Well that's me. Except with some air left in it. I inherited these ugly stretch marks everywhere. Especially in my tummy area. We're not talking about lightning bolt looking discolorations. I'm talking about the rivers. The ones with indentations where Helen Keller can run her hands across my abdomen and gasp!
So, I've been working out and changing what I'm eating the past 4 years. It definitely was NOT easy. Still isn't. But I'm learning still. I've lost some weight and I've gained it back. But I also found endurance, strength and muscle tone I have never had in my life. I started running 5ks that lead to some insane obstacle races. I'm turning 38 next month. I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself.
But going back to my belly. And the deflated balloon. I'm so uncomfortable with myself that I can't even go to a beach where I might bump into anyone I know. I even reached a point that if I DO know someone who will see me in a bikini, I give them full detailed warning about how ugly my body is. I will not wear a tankini or a one piece. They're ugly! Although I've been checking out the pinup style swimsuits. I'm afraid they'll make my squishy ass look rather large so that kinda halted that search. Plus, they're expensive! Anywho, I have this extra skin. If I lay on my side, I get that belly spillage. Or if my jeans sit below my belly, it hangs over unless I suck in or pull my pants over my belly with the belt hoops. If I'm on the toilet, I pretend I'm plastic man. Or is it Elastic man? Either one, I pull on my belly, grab it, pretend it's playdoh. The more weight I lose the more extra stretch marked skin hangs. If I gain weight, it's not so bad but then I get the muffin top. If I'm nude and place both hands on my sides and use my fingertips to pull the skin, I have the perfect belly.
Tummy tuck you say? Even a mini tuck? I went to a cosmetic surgeon. They said I'm not in horrible shape. That clients that they usually get are more overweight. They said because I'm not that big, there's not a lot of skin to pull and cut to do a tummy tuck to make a difference. If anything, I'll end up with a worse scar going across instead of up & down marks.
That being said, and the breakdown of costs after those consultations made me sad. Even if I went for it, the amount of money for it to not guarantee to take even most the marks away was not worth the pain and healing process. That means no working out either.
My only means to solve this issue is to lose body fat and build up muscle. Because if you see muscle, and a truly fit body, you can overlook those marks right???
Most people who are trying to make me feel better about it, tell me those are marks I've earned from creating my children. Or however they try to put it to make it sound so poetic. It doesn't work. I see women like Brooke Burke on the cover of Fitness magazines and I want to hate them! I'm so jealous! I've also heard that stretch marks are genetic or something like that. Whatever. I'm pissed. And I ate a huge sugar free brownie from whole foods today. That's not going to help me decrease body fat but it made me happy.
I used to live with the philosophy that I should just be happy. I should eat and drink and smoke and live vicariously. Then I see old people that are suffering with things they've could've prevented. And then. I started working out. And then I saw 80 year olds running faster than me. And then I see 60 year olds who can do what I do at the gym. And then I realize....I want to be happy with myself.
And it's hard. When I see even my husband gawk at gorgeous naked or half naked women. Maybe they were photoshopped but still. I don't think photoshop can save me.
So what's better?
I see so many chubby girls wearing things maybe a 4 year old should and walk around confidently.
How did they get to be like that?
Some heavier women commented that they'd be happy to be my size even with stretch marks.
And I'd be happy even if I was slightly porky and no stretch marks.
They can still wear bikinis and not have to cover their stomach area with their arms or towels.

Country Mouse City Mouse

I recently visited the quaint town of Savannah, Georgia. It was a nice light jacket weather. What NYC offers in the Fall or early Spring, unlike the year long summer weather of Florida with a touch of blasty coldness which lasts a total of a week combined.
It was so nice. Cobblestone streets, bike riders, runners, frisbee players, random people standing on corners chatting about the current events.
Then you meet my husband. Texan born, Florida raised. The type that grew up in white picket fence neighborhoods, no crime schools. Him being law enforcement for a low income, crime ridden city where people don't respect even their mother, or sister. Yea, the type you see on COPS, where they screw even their own sister's man and gets pregnant while they themselves are married. Also serving the military busting big time drug deals. I'm sure after years of this has made him quite aware that the world is not so friendly afterall.
Myself, I grew up deep in Brooklyn, NY. I went to HS & college in the city. I've learned to avoid certain places, types of people at certain times. Street smarts, something most people in Florida doesn't have. I let my guard down which is why my husband thinks I'm naive & "unaware of my surroundings". Honestly, I don't care. It's not the same.
This summer, I'm planning to finally take him around NYC and have him see my old stomping grounds. Where I grew up, where I hung out, my friends, family, the bars. I'm so excited. I usually crash at my moms and visit friends. This time I might have to suck it up and hit the god awful touristy spots. I'm dreading taking his paranoid ass thru crowds of pushy ny'rs. Im either going to be arguing with him or pulling him thru crowds. The dirty city. The immigrants. The best dirty restaurants. The smelly alleyways. The horrible traffic. The multicultural rudeness. This will def be an interesting trip. I can't wait! This is my home. My place. My territory.

Road Trips

GeoTagged, [N32.44322, E80.72440]

I'm really starting to like these low budget quick trips we take. We rent a car, drive off and it starts off uneventful. The more tired we get the dumber we get. Start singing songs and talking about all sorts of BS. Sometimes it leads to really retarded, pointless arguments, sometimes it's just reminiscing or current events.
I guess it's our bonding time. We're stuck in a car for hours. It's either make the best of it or stab him.
Everytime we take these trips, we plan these one day all around town excursions so we hit all the spots and see all the sights within a few hours. This requires an itinerary of what we want to see and mapping it out. Then we either drive or foot it everywhere. It's tiring but fun. Every vacation we've taken includes a self portrait of us both in front of some monument or scenic background.
It's become a necessity.
So. Now we're in South Carolina. After some hotel room wrestling (no, not sex, actual wrestling), we'll plan our trip for tomorrow before we head home. For now, I'll google some hot spots and nap before this wedding starts.
Think I got a bm. Yes. THAT bm. Homemade corned beef hash & grits are moving.

Trying to Stay Fit

So…as most of you know, I started running. It all started back in November of 2010. I had no intentions of doing anything more other than extra cardio to burn off some flub. I was happy I was able to run 1/2 a mile. Then it increased. I started running more and more. Just as a personal goal. I ran at soccer practice with my daughter. I made it to 3 miles, then 4, then 6. I wasn’t doing it for time. It was all just for fun and motivation.

Then I heard about a 5K downtown West Palm Beach. Hmm…I decided to register. I finished at 28 minutes. Not the best but it was definitely fun!

Then I decided to do a 5K every m0nth starting January 2011. This led to http://spartanrace.com and http://downanddirtymudrun.com. Now I think I’m crazy. These are in April & May. I hope I can finish it. I don’t know how I let my husband talk me into these things…he’s finishing these races in 23minutes! I'm so jealous. I'm sure it’ll be fun as much as it is challenging.

I wanted to run my 5k’s faster but I started to slack and got lazy.  Then this past Sunday, I ran the Brain Cancer 5K in honor of my good friend Robert Johnson who recently passed. Just 5 days prior. I still only finished in 28 minutes. http://events.abc2.org/site/TR/Events/Florida?fr_id=1090&pg=entry

I guess through all this, I still haven’t lost the measly 5lbs I’ve wanted and still not any quicker either. From lack of running…my calves were super sore and this morning I pushed it. 3.5 miles and now my foot hurts so bad I can’t walk. Ugh.

Getting old sucks! But I’ll keep running! Especially when all I see are the 50+ running past me without a sweat! I wanna be JUST like them!

A message to my kids on this stupid day

Today was the day your dad died. I'm still angry at him. He coulda been a better dad when he was alive. Instead he lied, cheated, did drugs and drink alcohol. God took him away for a reason. So he can't do any more damage. I'm sorry I don't feel bad but I am sad. He took life for granted.

Scarey insecurities

I hate writing about relationships. It's so annoying.
But I figure maybe if I write it down, it'll clear my head.
I had 100% trust. Til it was ruined by Internet whores. I know, it's not their fault. It's his. Trust was demolished. With my past of cheating already leaving a huge gaping hole in my head, it was stabbed over and over with a garden aerator.
Things were patched up and I do my best everyday not to think about the several girls that continue to poison my mind.
He hasn't done anything make me feel like I should question him except for his recent lack of affection and intimacy and his rise in calling me names. WTF?
So I try really hard, even squeezing my eyes tight to shut these girls out. And they're possibly out of his life for good but what makes me think he's not that slick to create new profiles, new names, unsearchable pages and do this again? I have no idea. I just pray and bite every cuticle off my fingers. (that's my nervous tic)
Thing is. I hope he takes marriage as seriously as I am. Because i don't want anymore surprises ever again.
So. That's it.
I'm not a hot 20yr old but neither is he. I have my physical flaws from being a mom. It's something a young immature guy would be superficial about. But it's something some guys will overlook.
Maybe it's his insecurity. He needs attention. But I've tried talking dirty. And he says yuck, or ew. Or call me lumpy. It's a joke, I know, but in my damaged trust bucket, it makes me think he's comparing me with someone he's talking to.
Who knows. Usually my intuitions are right. Let's hope not.

Babies

Babies are so cute. They smell nice and even when they cry it's so adorable.
It's totally understandable why anyone would want one. Everyone believes that there's a NEED to have one or more.
There's so many people I've encountered that through their second marriage, they need to have a child to complete it. Most of the time, like me, have children from previous marriage. I was young when I had my 3 back-to-back. Being a stay at home mom made it easy but it not only put stress and financial strain on my relationship, I realized that the man I decided to have children with is a shithead. Even when he was trying. He would never be the father or the man I wanted him to be. Most new moms start thinking about their future with husband and wonder even if he's financially secure, if he's EVER good enough. And that would be no. Then realizing your freedom is lost and so is your once perfect body.
The husband will come home and not want to hear the wife complain about the amount of crap she's had to deal with after a long day of his own.
Why?
Why do we do this?
Back in the day, the birth rate was low, and carrying the family name was a big thing. Times are different.
And here I am. People are peppering me with questions of "are you going to give your husband a baby?". Yes, I feel terrible he doesn't have one. But seeing how I can't stand but love the 3 that I already have, the thought of another one is ludicrous!!!!
But he doesn't have one. Thing is, he's always gotten everything he wants. And when he's bored, he's done. Can't do that with a baby! Feedings every few hours, sleepless nights, babysitting/daycare, diapers, dr visits, baby food, clothes, furniture, strollers, diaper bags, bathing, teething, ear infections, diaper rashes, vomiting, diarrhea, potty training, sticky hands, runny noses, high chairs, car seats, temper tantrums, crying, baby food...
I don't want it.
If my marriage depends on it? Sure. I'd do anything for my husband but it'll be something I know I'll have to mentally prepare & dread.
Don't get me wrong. I love them. Every minute of it. But I don't have the time or the money.
My friends who are now in their second marriage or relationship, just gave birth to their fourth, like I would. No offense, they not only look like shit, but telling me how bad of an idea this is.
Mind you, we both work full time, love date nights with drinks, last minute trips, going out with the boys. A baby will put a screeching halt to this. Or just to me. And I know it will flare some nasty fights.
Like my younger sis says, "what's the point or the need? Why do I want to do that to myself? What am I missing out on? Who am I trying to impress?"
But. If my husband really truly wants one, then I'll attempt to save the money and do what I need to to give him one. Even knowing how it will change everything.
I tell him he can change the last names of my kids, shit, he can even have them IF we get divorced! I'll pay him child support and leave! I'll give him full custody AND disappear! Lol
I love my kids, but I can't stand them. They are my everything. And everything is them. And they touch everything. Get into things. I'm tired. I want them to succeed and get out of my nest. Not make more.
I feel bad. He doesn't know the joys of having his own. Only knows the headaches. Does he really want this???