Trying to Stay Fit

So…as most of you know, I started running. It all started back in November of 2010. I had no intentions of doing anything more other than extra cardio to burn off some flub. I was happy I was able to run 1/2 a mile. Then it increased. I started running more and more. Just as a personal goal. I ran at soccer practice with my daughter. I made it to 3 miles, then 4, then 6. I wasn’t doing it for time. It was all just for fun and motivation.

Then I heard about a 5K downtown West Palm Beach. Hmm…I decided to register. I finished at 28 minutes. Not the best but it was definitely fun!

Then I decided to do a 5K every m0nth starting January 2011. This led to http://spartanrace.com and http://downanddirtymudrun.com. Now I think I’m crazy. These are in April & May. I hope I can finish it. I don’t know how I let my husband talk me into these things…he’s finishing these races in 23minutes! I'm so jealous. I'm sure it’ll be fun as much as it is challenging.

I wanted to run my 5k’s faster but I started to slack and got lazy.  Then this past Sunday, I ran the Brain Cancer 5K in honor of my good friend Robert Johnson who recently passed. Just 5 days prior. I still only finished in 28 minutes. http://events.abc2.org/site/TR/Events/Florida?fr_id=1090&pg=entry

I guess through all this, I still haven’t lost the measly 5lbs I’ve wanted and still not any quicker either. From lack of running…my calves were super sore and this morning I pushed it. 3.5 miles and now my foot hurts so bad I can’t walk. Ugh.

Getting old sucks! But I’ll keep running! Especially when all I see are the 50+ running past me without a sweat! I wanna be JUST like them!

A message to my kids on this stupid day

Today was the day your dad died. I'm still angry at him. He coulda been a better dad when he was alive. Instead he lied, cheated, did drugs and drink alcohol. God took him away for a reason. So he can't do any more damage. I'm sorry I don't feel bad but I am sad. He took life for granted.

Scarey insecurities

I hate writing about relationships. It's so annoying.
But I figure maybe if I write it down, it'll clear my head.
I had 100% trust. Til it was ruined by Internet whores. I know, it's not their fault. It's his. Trust was demolished. With my past of cheating already leaving a huge gaping hole in my head, it was stabbed over and over with a garden aerator.
Things were patched up and I do my best everyday not to think about the several girls that continue to poison my mind.
He hasn't done anything make me feel like I should question him except for his recent lack of affection and intimacy and his rise in calling me names. WTF?
So I try really hard, even squeezing my eyes tight to shut these girls out. And they're possibly out of his life for good but what makes me think he's not that slick to create new profiles, new names, unsearchable pages and do this again? I have no idea. I just pray and bite every cuticle off my fingers. (that's my nervous tic)
Thing is. I hope he takes marriage as seriously as I am. Because i don't want anymore surprises ever again.
So. That's it.
I'm not a hot 20yr old but neither is he. I have my physical flaws from being a mom. It's something a young immature guy would be superficial about. But it's something some guys will overlook.
Maybe it's his insecurity. He needs attention. But I've tried talking dirty. And he says yuck, or ew. Or call me lumpy. It's a joke, I know, but in my damaged trust bucket, it makes me think he's comparing me with someone he's talking to.
Who knows. Usually my intuitions are right. Let's hope not.

Babies

Babies are so cute. They smell nice and even when they cry it's so adorable.
It's totally understandable why anyone would want one. Everyone believes that there's a NEED to have one or more.
There's so many people I've encountered that through their second marriage, they need to have a child to complete it. Most of the time, like me, have children from previous marriage. I was young when I had my 3 back-to-back. Being a stay at home mom made it easy but it not only put stress and financial strain on my relationship, I realized that the man I decided to have children with is a shithead. Even when he was trying. He would never be the father or the man I wanted him to be. Most new moms start thinking about their future with husband and wonder even if he's financially secure, if he's EVER good enough. And that would be no. Then realizing your freedom is lost and so is your once perfect body.
The husband will come home and not want to hear the wife complain about the amount of crap she's had to deal with after a long day of his own.
Why?
Why do we do this?
Back in the day, the birth rate was low, and carrying the family name was a big thing. Times are different.
And here I am. People are peppering me with questions of "are you going to give your husband a baby?". Yes, I feel terrible he doesn't have one. But seeing how I can't stand but love the 3 that I already have, the thought of another one is ludicrous!!!!
But he doesn't have one. Thing is, he's always gotten everything he wants. And when he's bored, he's done. Can't do that with a baby! Feedings every few hours, sleepless nights, babysitting/daycare, diapers, dr visits, baby food, clothes, furniture, strollers, diaper bags, bathing, teething, ear infections, diaper rashes, vomiting, diarrhea, potty training, sticky hands, runny noses, high chairs, car seats, temper tantrums, crying, baby food...
I don't want it.
If my marriage depends on it? Sure. I'd do anything for my husband but it'll be something I know I'll have to mentally prepare & dread.
Don't get me wrong. I love them. Every minute of it. But I don't have the time or the money.
My friends who are now in their second marriage or relationship, just gave birth to their fourth, like I would. No offense, they not only look like shit, but telling me how bad of an idea this is.
Mind you, we both work full time, love date nights with drinks, last minute trips, going out with the boys. A baby will put a screeching halt to this. Or just to me. And I know it will flare some nasty fights.
Like my younger sis says, "what's the point or the need? Why do I want to do that to myself? What am I missing out on? Who am I trying to impress?"
But. If my husband really truly wants one, then I'll attempt to save the money and do what I need to to give him one. Even knowing how it will change everything.
I tell him he can change the last names of my kids, shit, he can even have them IF we get divorced! I'll pay him child support and leave! I'll give him full custody AND disappear! Lol
I love my kids, but I can't stand them. They are my everything. And everything is them. And they touch everything. Get into things. I'm tired. I want them to succeed and get out of my nest. Not make more.
I feel bad. He doesn't know the joys of having his own. Only knows the headaches. Does he really want this???

I Should Really Be A Skinny Bitch

Nothing ruins my appetite more than hearing someone complain right after I spent over an hour cooking. This doesn't include the mad dash to the store, making sure not only do I get the ingredients needed but EVERYTHING else EVERYONE needs.

When I finally get to sit and breathe after EVERYONE in this house of mine is served, including the damn dogs....I want to enjoy my dinner. Complain after. I'm exhausted! It has nothing to do with PMS or whatever you may want to think it is. Everyone gets to sit around, watch TV, relax, play etc while I slave in the kitchen and clean as I go so I can get to the point of enjoying my meal.

But no.

It doesn't happen once. Doesn't happen twice. It fucking happens frequently. Does anyone else offer to help walk the fucking the dogs as they piss on the floor and carpet? NO. Everyone fucking disappears. Its not just the fucking kids' responsibility. Must be fucking nice to constantly yell and point out everyone's wrongs and not lift a damn finger.

So yea. When I'm upset, I don't wanna fucking eat. So as Mr. Mouthy wolfs down his dinner IN BED I wrap up my dinner in plastic wrap in the fucking fridge. No, no apology because he doesn't need to do shit.

Damn mouth is always running and never offers to lift a fucking finger.

I should be a skinny bitch because this ain't nothing new.

He Said, She Said, Then WTF?

OK…word of advice. Most people who don't want things repeated already know this rule of thumb…ALWAYS start your sentence with “Hey, I heard something but don't repeat….”

Whether or not it DOES end up getting repeated, at least you got your back covered and it’s THEIR fault. Right? Makes sense to me…because you can go back and say, “BITCH, wtf?!”

So here goes my story:

I hear something first thing in the morning. I get details. This person was told by me in the past…that if I am told ANYTHING that might just be a rumor, I WILL dig for truth before I start believing and falling for the bullshit. I'm not into drama and spreading rumors. So that's what I did. Never was told NOT to say anything.

Somehow it turned into a cluster-fuck. Yep. I did point the finger in her direction. I fucking heard it from her. I’m not gonna sit here and say, “yea, it was me” because it wasn't. I heard it from her! SO in her dramatic anger, deletes me off Facebook, and goes into her husband’s account to make sure I'm deleted off his. At first I was like wtf? are you 14 and I was pissy. But now, I fucking laugh. She's telling me I threw her & hubby under the bus and I jeopardized his career. Huh?!!!! What bus???? Is he in time out? Sit in a corner? As my husband said in the beginning, don't say anything you don't want repeated. Keep your mouth shut. And so I only spoke of shit everyone else knew. Who knew this was a hush hush topic when I was told?

I hate drama and people who love the drama. People create drama because they feed off it.

I don't have any enemies. Except for her. Kudos for me because I don't need it. She can keep it.

As for me….I’m planning our vaca and looking forward to hearing from my hubby and friends that are NOT ridiculously surrounded in their realm of retardedness. I hold my bitch title high. You can hold your Drama Queen plaque higher. Shine it, buff it. Do what makes you breathe better.

B( * )( * )BS

Ok. Everyone's favorite topic whether you are flat, gigantus, pancake/flapjacks, light switches, or mosquito bite shaped.

I was originally a perky happy A cup. Growing up, all I did was pray for these puppies to grow into full breeds. My unforgiving Asian background wasn't about to let that happen.

Years later, I ended up pregnant. Multiply that by 3. During the pregnancies, I was a HUGE firm full busting out of C cups. I felt like I had missiles!!! I was so happy. Even if I was literally a walking milk farm. But I also had this monstrous weight gain. When the babies were baked, and breastfed, weight gain lost...I looked and saw in horror were these once A cup perkiness fallen to a squishy -A raisin, sucked out mess. Victorias Secrets were just lies. And even with her so-called secrets, my soggy tits just sunk into these little padded cups that were supposed to give me some umpf. Yea.

I finally saved up some money and went to a cosmetic surgeon. Flipping thru numerous magazines of playboy, I didn't know what I wanted more. Their entire perfect bodies or just tits.

All I can afford were boobs. So. That's what I ordered. I decided...since I was single and paid for them myself, that I just wanted to be proportioned and I didn't want to look like a stripper or a pornstar.

So I got small C's. I was pleased. Until I was awoken from surgery and went to my follow up. Dr said, "you know, you coulda went a Lil bigger." But my guess is they always wanna up your size.

Happy with my new additions, I was so much more confident. And all my other unsightly flaws seemed toned down. I know I'm no playboy model but at least I'm not saggy EVERYWHERE. Well, ok, now just everywhere else.

So now I'm dating. After my horrible marriage ended and then the relationship after that. I thought I sworn off men. I cried my life away after each holiday passed. Then I met my now hubby. I think he thinks I was a retard.

Everyone says "oh your boobs are perfect! They look and feel natural and you don't need to go bigger, you'd look ridiculous!"
Well...now I feel like an idiot because everyone who frowns upon huge fake tits, stares at them. WTF was I thinking? I paid how much for natural?!!!!

So. Here I am with my "natural" tits. Thinking how ridiculous would I REALLY look if I got them bigger? I drive myself nuts but oh well, I now have to tell myself to stop looking at other women's fake tits and comparing them to myself.